Imagine a Tap…

Are you doing it? I know it sounds weird but go on, for me. Draw it out if you want to. I did attempt this but I’m not the most creative person… Right, now that silliness is all done, I shall explain.

I think I am coming to a natural end with my CBT sessions. It’s a weird feeling. When I first knew that I needed CBT again I felt like I was pinning all my hopes on it. I thought that it would make me a new person and would magically make everything better for me. The truth is, it doesn’t work like that. And even as a trainee counsellor myself, I was guilty of believing this.

I can tell I feel better in different ways:

– I can challenge my OCD more.

– I can focus more now on the good things in my life.

– I can pull myself out my head and into reality.

– I feel on the right track and that things are only going to get better.

– I can accept more now that thoughts are just thoughts and that it’s ok to have them.

I do believe that CBT has really helped me with finding the above. It’s given me a safe place to be completely honest and talk about everything that goes on in that little old brain of mine with absolutely no judgement from my therapist. But MY GOD has it been slow.

The way I’ve been picturing it is like a tap (check out that call back guys). Before I started CBT, the tap was firmly shut off. All of the OCD was trapped inside and it was stifling, I had nowhere to go but to give in to what it was demanding of me. I hoped that when I started CBT, even after just one session, the tap would be unscrewed and the OCD would all flow out. Or start to at least. However, I was, in all honesty, left a little disappointed when this didn’t happen. Even after several sessions I couldn’t see much change and this did make me feel a little defeated.

The important thing with therapy is to keep at it even when you can’t see any drastic changes. It is working, just subtly. Trust the process as they say. Imagine that tap again: instead of CBT turning the tap on full and the OCD streaming out, CBT has turned the tap on a tiny bit so instead the OCD trickles out droplet by droplet. Something’s happening but slowly, not all at once. Bit by bit the scariness and threatening nature of OCD has trickled away and I am becoming stronger than it. The tap never has and probably never will be turned on full. OCD will never just come flooding out of me and leave me in peace but I have seen the changes and now I want more.

Don’t get me wrong, OCD is a stubborn bitch. I’m not sure that it will ever be ‘cured’ so to speak but in the words of my therapist: I can damn well keep it in its cage.

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